walk to the park
wrestle on the bench
tell me that's what you want
kayak to that shore
shaky hand untie, tie
tell me that you're so sorry
rolling on seats
slip down down and
tell me that you won't again
hide in windows
ignore what I say
tell me that you can do better
bees sting him
he dies and she cries
tell me that you weren't watching
racing in cars
no, not ashamed
tell me that it'll be alright
skip the movie
hide out once more
tell me that I didn't have to
I want to and I do
I push the limits
do I go too far?
tell me I haven't changed
tell me I haven't changed
tell me I haven't changed
stay with me
say something sweet
you've changed
maybe you've changed
tell me that I haven't
tell me that I'm the same
tell me that you'll stay with me
and we'll work whatever out
and we'll fight for each other
and tell me that
you love "new" Julie.

I guess I can never vent in a Myspace bulletin (*rolls eyes*), so I'm back to you LJ. You see, I wrote something about someone acting like a slut. I just had to throw something in for the survey, just one bad thought. So I thought of this chick at school who can be pretty annoying. You know. Just threw it in. Well, along comes this other chick, and she thinks it's about her. Which is just...wow. Dumb. Because I haven't had a beef with other chick since oh I don't know...a freaking year ago?! Wow, people are so selfcentered. Even when it's something bad, it has to be about them. So yeah. She's just blowing it out of proportion. You know how it goes. Hopefully she'll get the memo that it wasn't even about her, and this will all blow over. I could roll my eyes and say, "Wow" about a thousand more times. Yeah.

As summer draws to a close, I begin to feel a little depressed. I don't want my time with Spencer to be just a summer fling. I don't want us to fall apart over the school year. It's one of my biggest fears... I want us to last and last... I feel so trapped. I feel lonely... I want to be with him right now. I feel scared. I don't want to fall apart.



You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed
And history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
And he told me that I'd done alright
And kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light
And he kissed me 'til the mornin' light

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down
Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one
And history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first

I had Spencer over to my house for dinner for the second-ish time (the first time was very casual). He wanted to come over for the parental talk, but the parentals didn't really give it to him. I guess he's off the hook. After dinner, we watched Castle in the Sky (I don't think he liked it very much, but maybe he just wanted to kiss me) and he kissed me a lot. xD Yes, making out on the couch. Good times. Each time we broke away from each other, we would just look into each other's eyes. No, that wasn't so bad. I didn't say I was complaining, did I? Well, once he looked into my eyes and asked if he could ask me something. Of course I told him yes. He asked, "Would it be too much and would it scare you if I told you that I loved you?" So what am I supposed to say? Yes? Because I've been waiting for and wondering when he would say it. I've thought to myself that I think I love him. I've wondered if he did too. So I told him that it wouldn't scare me, and he said, "I love you." We kissed some, then broke away. My feeble voice croaked out, "I love you too." Then we kissed more. After the movie had gone through some more scenes and a little chit chat and a lot more kisses had passed, he told me that he didn't want me to say I loved him back just because I feel obligated to. I told him that I meant it. The movie didn't finish, and he walked out the door at about nine o'clock. I walked him to his car, where we kissed and talked in the light of the orange moon. After about fifteen minutes, he said that he had to go and told me, "I love you Julie." I said, "I love you too Spencer." And then I walked back to the house. And that is the I Love You story.

Heeeeey it's two months since our first kiss. :) Since yesterday. P:

Yeah, kind of. Sometimes I pull on my eyelashes. If I get one out, I play with it and stroke my lips with it. Because...you see...there's the poky end and there's the really soft end. I don't know. I've done it since I was little. My mom used to tell me that if I pulled my eyelashes out, they wouldn't grow back. But I kept pulling them, and they did grow back. I think I have nice eyelashes. I don't pull them so much anymore.

Then there's regular hair pulling. I just pull out one strand that's very thick or strange, and I take it between my fingernails and curl it. Then I roll the curl in a little ball, then take it between my lips and blow it across the room or wherever it chooses to go. Yeah. Hair. I hope I don't have some kind of disorder with that.

Last year when I was nervous, I would bite the inside of my mouth a lot. Just with my front teeth, I'd nibble right on the inside of my lip. Sometimes I'd nibble too much and it'd bleed just a little, so I'd "watch" myself and control myself so that I wouldn't keep biting. But soon enough I'd start again. I actually don't do that biting thing anymore. I don't know why I started or why I stopped. Things just change. Maybe it's coincidence that I only did that when I was dating Nick.

I don't think I have any other little habits...

If the picture is gone, think, "Reach out." Just...think, "Reach out," anyway.

so much depends
upon

a red wheel
barrow

glazed with rain
water

beside the white
chickens.

So much depends on the people in my life.
For once in my life, I have who I need.
My friends are wonderful and amazing people. They're everything I could have asked for in friends and more. I guess I never really knew the definition of friends until late sophomore year. Funny how it works... Maybe there are multiple definitions. I'd like to find more out. No, no. I don't want to find some out by experience. That could be painful. The kind of friend who lies, cheats, and steals... I've kind of known that before. I don't want to know it again. I don't want to know that kind of friend better. But the friends I have now: yes. They are perfect. I want to keep them forever. They make me smile.
For once...I have a boy.
A boyfriend!
I feel giggly the way a thirteen-year-old girl may.
I feel like I know I should.
I feel like now,
I'm everything I should be.
I'm everything I've wanted to be.
I lost that sense of self a while ago.
I thought, "Where did I go?
I used to be so different...
What happened to me?
I don't like who I am."
But now I feel great!
I feel like I broke out or I closed up or something,
but no matter what it is, it feels good.
I feel alive.
I feel warm.
I am happy.

I love Wicked.
I think I already told you that.
This is exactly how I feel.

I have the people I need. I have changed. I am finding it more wonderful each day.

Gosh, I am
cheesy.
I love life right now.

     Fiau tugged at the frilly scarf. It was atrocious. Why did she give it to him? He swung his legs off the hood of the car and was amused by the way the car bounced. Looking up, he saw Water laying on the roof of the car. Her eyes were wide. She smiled--a little coyly--and rolled onto her back, acting much like a cat.
    Something about that girl gave him the chills, but in a good way. The way her hands caressed the television made Fiau wish his head were fully exposed. He longed to feel those fingertips brush against his cheeks. That feeling he hadn't felt since the vague memoris of a time when he lived in a house. But he wanted it more now.
    "What's a kiss?" he would ponder while staring up at the stars on many a lonely night.
    "What does it feel like?" And he'd push his lips against the inside of the screen, trying to imagine it. There wasn't a thing that would give him even the slightest hint.
    "Would you like to come back to reality now or are you going to stare at me forever?" Water asked, snapping him out of his fantasies.
    Loosening the ridiculous scarf a bit, Fiau retorted, "I wasn't looking at you."
    "Yes you were. Don't think that just because I can't see your eyes I don't know what you're looking at. I know you better than that."
    "You've known me for three days."
    "Bravo, you can count." Her eyes seemed to penetrate the screen, and Fiau could now see just how well Water could read him.
    "Water..." He trailed off, not knowing quite how to say what he wanted to.
    She rolled over and crept along the roof of the car toward Fiau until her face was inches away from his.
    "You have to help me get this TV off my head."
    Water's catlike expressions disappeared and were replaced with a furrowed brow, a more concerned look. "What are you talking about? Yesterday you said that you were glad you had it. You told me about all the benefits. It was really convincing. I was about to go out and shove my own head inside a random televion set."
    "Yesterday I--" Fiau stopped himself and sighed. Yesterday I didn't know that I was in love with you. "I changed my mind. This is the most confining piece of equipment. I feel like I'm in jail. I mean, really Water. I keep wondering how many other things I could experience. Eating larger portions of food, swimming with my head under the water, playing a brass instrument, making real eye contact, kissing, chewing on my fingernails--"
    "What was that?" Water's concerned expression disappeared and a smile began to emerge. "Did you say kissing?"
    Fiau's face got hot. He silently cursed his big mouth and braced himself for teasing.
    "Who's the lucky sap decided to steal your first post-TV kiss?" Her grin grew, and he catlike actions returned. Cheshire Cat.
    "Forget it," Fiau mumbled. "I'll keep the TV on for the rest of my life. I don't even know what I look like. I'm probably ugly. Who would kiss me then? I'd never be in the marching band either. I'd scare the judges."
    Water sat up so she could throw her head back and howl and laugh. "You crack me up, kid!" She leaned over Fiau. "Put your lips up to the screen and point to where they are."
    Fiau obeyed.
    "Now close your eyes."
    And she pressed her lips against the screen too.
    Just far enough away to not feel anything.
    A tear escaped his eye, even while it was closed. His lips trembled as he pulled them away from the screen. Opening his eyes to see Water only made him cry more. He backed away from Water, who instinctively leaned forward more and had to pull herself back quickly when Fiau backed up more.
    "Okay, you're saving your kisses for someone else. I understand," Water spun and slid off the car.
    Fiau didn't speak in fear of his voice wavering, giving away the fact that he was crying. He slouched and hung his big TV head.
    "I'm gonna go in the house," Water said, not turning around as she walked away.
    Fiau swore to himself. Swore because he was being such an idiot, because he couldn't wipe his nose, because he didn't know how to say it, and because he was indeed in love.
    He hopped to the ground and slipped his flipflops on and pulled his shorts down an inch. Then he trudged and crunched along the road that was still damp from the last rain. Destination unknown, he scuffed his feet and took his time. The clouds began to part. The streets began to dry.

I'm quitting that photo journal. It's just extra stress. I'm not one to abandon projects, no sir. I'd half-ass it rather than drop it completely. But this is different. I'd feel like a disgrace to the art of photography if I tried to keep up my crap of taking pictures of closet doors. Um...
The end.

*pant pant*
I'm here!
I made it!
Day 10 [of 365]!
Tomorrow night I leave for New York...
This is my last California sunset until the 4th, maybe 5th.
"But aren't they all the same?"
NO.
CA is waaaaaaaaay different than NY. I don't care if it's the same sun.
I couldn't believe how red the sun was today.
Insane-o.
But I love it, and I'll miss it.
Seems like I'm going away for a long time... :[
Leaving my boyfriend and my friends and my pets and my house and practically my whole life behind.
I don't want to go...

I had friends over and shoved everything in the closet like I always do. It's even more of a pain to clean up the house when you're trying to pack for a trip to New York. I don't want to go...

I guess I've been holding out on you, journal. But I went bowling until midnight last night, and I really wanted a bowling picture for this day. I'm kind of rushed, so I can't say much else. This is a cheap trick for holding up my end of things.

Why are you walking out like that?
Are you thinking about the croissants?
I'm not thinking about the croissants.
So what are you thinking about?
Frogs?
I'm not thinking about frogs either.
But let me grab my camera...

I'm thinking about how Samantha called me yesterday, but I wasn't there. Tina picked up. She didn't tell me anyone had called.
Samantha called me today and told me that she told Tina to tell me that she called.
I confronted Tina about this.
She said, "I forgot. I had other things on my mind."
Before I could rip into her too badly for that one, she said, "Actually, Mom told me not to tell you."
.
.
.
Wow.
Just because--
No.
Nevermind.
I just won't be able to properly talk to Samantha until band camp.
Mom's always there when I'm on the phone.
I can't stand it.
She hates Samantha.
She hates her.
I don't understand it.
So Sammy Boy's a little wild.
A lot rebellious.
But she's my friend.
Mom still has the eighth grade perspective, though.
She still thinks Samantha's a runaway and a cutter and suicidal.
And what about those last two makes someone a bad person?
I'm going to force some of those YA books regarding suicide on my mother.
She's the one who doesn't understand.

Okay, you can call me a cheater for not posting yesterday because I'm supposed to post EVERY. DAY. But seriously guys, I took this picture yesterday. It was just so late that I didn't post it. I'll post today's picture later on, when I've felt the day out better.

For now, I tell you about yesterday.
Went to Chico, saw Kirsten in Starbucks, sort of kind of met a guy who has about two months left to live, had a caramel frappuccino, hunted down the orthodontist's office, got my braces off, went shopping a bit, drove back to Oroville, made out in the back of the movie theatre, annnnnd that's about all the excitement for Wednesday.


Shoot--LJ! I tell you too much! You're going to get me in trouble one of these days.

My sister Tina told me I should join. She showed me all sorts of communities and things to do...

I joined a few months later because I needed an escape. I have people that wouldn't agree with what I say on Myspace, and even on Gaia. I couldn't post a blog or journal there. It would be like standing up in the middle of band rehearsal and screaming my lungs out. Anyone can reach up and tear me down, and it would hurt because the next time I saw them, they'd just have that image of me screaming. I shouldn't care, but I do. With LJ, it's like going out of town and standing on a stage in front of a whole community of people and THEN screaming my lungs out. And no one can tear me down. They can shout back, but they can't touch me. Their words won't hurt as much if they use them harshly. You see, I could put all my blogs and journals on private, but then I'd might as well just be writing things down on actual paper. And besides, I do this because I'm wondering if anyone will see it. If anyone will say anything. And if they don't, it's fine. I'm just fishin'.

Why do I have so much crap in the bathroom? Granted I don't use it all (actually, I should probably floss more often), but there's just SO MUCH! Do I put too much time into my appearance? Do I need to stop worrying so much about how I look? I know that I feel better after I've put a little gel in my hair and some makeup on my face, but is it even worth it?

Gio is right.

"Maybe you should stop worrying about how you're supposed to be. And just...be."

Today was about



kissing Spencer.

I really like this picture. Why? Because I took it with my foot.
At the same time, I totally despise it. Why? Because you can totally check out my chin acne. Hate.
Why am I talking about the picture and not today's events?
Today's events were better than that raspberry crap from Scoops.
But that's not saying much.
Today's events were and still are a lot like Harry Potter. What? Why? Again?
I'll try to find the answer by Google.
And there it is.

"Well?" said Ron finally, looking up at Harry. "How was it?"
Harry considered for a moment.
"Wet," he said truthfully.
Ron made a noise that might have indicated jubilation or disgust, it was hard to tell.
"Because she was crying," Harry continued heavily.
"Oh," said Ron, his smile fading slightly. "Are you that bad at kissing?"
"Dunno," said Harry, who hadn't considered this, and immediately felt rather worried. "Maybe I am."

BAH-HA-HA!!!

It wasn't exactly like that. I've just always thought of that when I think of first kisses.

This is for all you never-been-kissed folks out there:
Next time someone tells you that first kisses aren't all that and they usually suck,
BELIEVE THEM, DUH.
Gosh.
And that goes with no offense to my splendiferous boyfriend because I do adore him more than anyone else.
I was just crazy nervous.
I think he was too, which boosts my self esteem slightly in an I-like-to-intimidate-you kind of way.

Bwah. I love that Harry Potter quote. Fifth book! You know, the one in mostly caps.

You know, in that picture, I didn't even notice until after I was messing with display options on my camera that my shirt actually says, "KISSES" on it. I love it. Jenieve has the same one. I think she still has it anyway. Target, five bucks. Easy. Then we found out we both owned it and we were like, "Hey! Heeeeeey heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey..." Since middle school! Wonderful!

Okay, I have a lot of email to reply to. I'm a very busy girl.

Except, not really.

Happy Father's Day. These are the bongos on the top shelf in my parents' closet. I remember those days. I was little. Dad, Tina, and I would mess around with those weird blue bongos. We would pull out this old plastic racecar track and play with the little cars. It made a lot of noise. It made a smell like something was burning. I liked it. We couldn't play with the track in the summer for fear of it overheating, but when Christmas rolled around, I'd always say something about the cars.

I dunno.

It was a nice time.

Cherry chapstick...
Why do cherries come up EVERYWHERE?
I went to Spencer's house today for a little pool party with him and some friends.
People kept talking about that song, "I Kissed a Girl" by whoever.
Something about the taste of her cherry chapstick.
It came up like, twice.
And all I thought was, "I have cherry chapstick..."
But I didn't kiss a girl, so.
I'm good.
We watched Robin Hood: Men in Tights.
Good movie.
Then Spencer showed me the pond right outside his house.
So nice.
Then he took me over to the cherry tree and we each ate a cherry.
He was going to hug me goodbye right after my mom called.
And so we hugged for a while, and I could feel his thoughts.
I knew he was thinking of kissing me.
I knew it.
But I was way too nervous.
So when I saw his eyes, I quickly averted mine and avoided the chance by keeping my head near his chest.
Fuck.
It would've been so perfect.
Why did I freak?
Why did I freak?
I have to ask myself so many times.
I'm dumb.
I'm dumb.
GOSH.
FRRRRRRRRRREAKING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYyYYY!!!
Someday.
Someday soon, I know.
Goodnight LJ.

The necklace Spencer got me for my birthday.

I know, this makes me look like a total material girl. It's actually just the best picture I've taken so far today. I like the shadows, which were made by putting my hand in front of the flash but not the lens.

Let's see, story? Spencer told me he'd come to my house to give me my present. I wanted him to stop by so bad, but I kept my sinking suspicion that he would flake. Then he called. And he said he'd come over before two, three thirty ish. Wow...I was listening to Dane Cook when I thought I heard a car roll over the gravel in the street. Annie barked. A lot. So I jumped up from my bed and launched myself toward the door. I opened and closed it as quietly as I could in my excitement. Mom was saying, "Oh! Hello! Well, come in. Julie, someone's here to see you. I had a huge grin on my face, I remember, as I moved out of the hallway and into the entryway. He looked like he always does (wonderful). And I was shocked, for he had a vase with three perfect roses and baby's breath. His card was silly ("In bad humor," I think he said), and the present was a beautiful necklace (above) and matching earrings.

No one has ever done this for me. No one besides my parents and rarely other immediate family has given me something so nice and so beautiful. No one has ever come to my house to deliver my birthday present.

As of today, that's a lie. Later in the day, my science buddy, Christina Thao, came and gave me two scarves. My birthday present and thank you for teaching her how to knit. So sweet. I wasn't at all expecting two visitors! Then Keerith called and her mom offered to bring me a cake! I turned it down, I still have some from last week. Hahaha...

I'm a little off-track, I guess. I have to go finish getting ready for Sara's party! Which is tonight, and I going even though it's MY birthday now. Ha. Well, thank you for reading my first photo journal entry. :]

I have my own camera for my sweet sixteen! I plan to do what I saw this one guy do...That would be take a picture for everyday. I saw it in CN&R. This guy took a picture for everyday. Usually they didn't have people in them, but I'm a teenager. People's faces are muy importante to me. I'll see where it takes me. I'll put up my first picture later today.

Live Journal o' mine, I dub thee

Picture Journal!!!